No. 35

My land is bare of chattering folk;

The clouds are low along the ridges,

And sweet's the air with curly smoke

From all my burning bridges.

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DOROTHY PARKER

1. An optimist thinks a traffic jam is... an opportunity to relax.

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2. Keep your nose to the grindstone...sharpen your sense of smell.

3. Women come into the world understanding men... men come into this world understanding

 NFL rules. 

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4. Enthusiasm is the gift of the young...Tylenol is the gift of the old.

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5. Rise to the occasion...climb up on your 

high horse.

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6. If the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...

don't let the mouth overload the flesh.

7. Adam's first invention after leaving the Garden was...diapers and safety pins.

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8. Adam's second invention after leaving the Garden was...the babysitter.

9. A perfectionist can look opportunity in the eye...and criticize it until it goes away.

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10. You know you're mature... when you'd rather take a nap.

Harlow Hedley, our roving cultural correspondent sends this puzzler from Silo City. 

Double your age, subtract the last two numbers of your driver's license. Divide this figure by your first cousin's IQ and multiply the result by 3 and...you have just wasted your time.

Thank yuh, Harlow!

 

RESOLUTE RESOLUTIONS...

Last year, I made a few resolutions for the New Year that I knew I wouldn't be able to keep.I do this year after year; it simplifies the whole process. So, here in review are a few of my 2010 New Year's Resolutions that I failed miserably to keep even though I hardly tried.

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2010 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS I FAILED TO KEEP.

1. I resolve to take a survey of all my faults; both of them.

2. I resolve to change the easiest ones and to eliminate the least desirable ones and to burnish those that are the most sociably acceptable ones.

3. I resolve to make both ends meet.

4. I resolve never to learn to make toll house cookies.

5. I resolve to stop participle dangling and infinitive splitting.

6. I resolve to stop annoying my barber with my opinions.

7. I resolve to memorize the Constitution, or at least the Preamble, or at least the first couple of lines. 

8. I resolve to take this crap seriously.

A lady is known by the company she keeps or the company she owns.

EXERCISE TIP

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Walk three miles every day for maximum benefit, and in 10 months you should be in Anchorage, Alaska.

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FLEAS ON DOGGEREL

It matters not if my lines don't scan;

I am the poet, I am the man.

I can rhyme parsley, rosemary,

And thyme;

But, not John Phillip Sousa or

Eastern Standard time.

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By Sturdley Shinglehammer, the world's worst living poet.

"Snoo? Not much. What's snoo widyoo?

Copyright by HTStone 2011