Count Sneaky's Journal: 6/5/11

Grown up and that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier

to skip it and and go from one childhood to another.

F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

1. It doesn't matter if you have designer cannons...

if you are out of cannon balls.

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2. In the human body, the jawbone is the hardest

bone...it is also the hardest to control.

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3. Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks

qualifies you...for graduate degrees in the

School of Hard Knocks.

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4. The Society of Can Kickers has decided to hold their annual meeting...next year.

5. A fashion designer is one who would put...

zippers on marsupials.

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6. Push an analogy too far...and you'll

tire your audience out.

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7. I am old enough to tell the truth...I just

can't remember what it was or where I put it.

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8. Going anywhere in a handbasket anymore...

is quite a trick.

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9. Thinking about stuff...keeps my mind off things.

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10. A politician is the only person who can talk in circles...without getting dizzy.

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In response to my demands for better accommodations, food, and service, you have accepted all of my demands, albeit a little grudgingly and somewhat

hesitantly for a cat of my class...I have nevertheless decided to stay on with you, not only out of sentimental attachment, but out of a genuine desire to improve two lives. I have nine of them so I can afford to waste a couple of them...what the hey! My new litterbox with shower and bed with nightlight and Tempur-Pedic mattress should be adequate. I do appreciate your efforts and given your income and expenses, it must be a strain...but I'm worth it.

Now, before I take a nap, I must express my continued dissatisfaction with the gourmet cat food you bought from The Dollar Store. Come on, folks! Really! The Dollar Store? If you will correct this travesty by next week, I shall continue to live in this impoverished, yet rather loving, household.

PS: In the event of a better offer, I'm still open. So shape up, or I ship out.

STRUTZ (Signed by paw print.)

The freelance writer is the person who is paid per piece or word

or perhaps.

ROBERT BENCHLEY

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The International Tug-Of -War Federation has ruled that a proposed match between a clutch of clowns and a herd of cattle would tend to make the sport a laughing stock.

THE WEASEL & THE MONGOOSE

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The weasel and the mongoose,

Dined on bread and joy juice,

And feasted on mussels and clam,

with kudzu bread and jelly jam,

In a boat pulled by a moose.

By Sturdely Shingleheimer

World's worst living poet.

(Recent booking photo.)

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Translation of aria from third act of Carmen, by Sturdley Shinglehammer.

Carmen enters with cigar and sings:

"O Rapture! Rapture! Rapture....You have ruptured my rapture and I beseech to besmooch me, little lovely bull! Tore-adora Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah!....OHHHHHHHHH!

Besot my rupture, besmooch my hand, Give me flower from your corset...here have cigar I make for you. Oh! Ah! Eh!...YEEEEEEEE! I have no lighter...you have match. I make you another cigar, my big bully fighter, besame mucho macho, I rupture...

(Carmen takes puff from stogie.)

Oh! Oh! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHH......EEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Stage note: Don Juan, do not attempt to besame mucho Carmen without

removing cigar from mouth.)

Lyrics copyright 1888 by Jackwagon Press. Infringement of copyright carries punishment of having to sit through a performance of entire opera as translated by Sturdley Shinglehammer, world's worst living librettist.