Thursday, October 28, 2010

No. 27


"To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities is the basis  of the American art, if my position is correct."   MARK TWAIN   


1. If you have any unmet dreams, ask someone for an introduction... or a warning.
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    2. Let reality be your teacher...and hope she doesn't keep you after school.
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3. I know where my keys are...it's my car that's lost!
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4. Surround yourself with people who know more than you...so you can blame it all on them.
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5. If you're looking for the "go-to-guy"... he got up and went.
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6. If your marriage ends you will not be able to claim... Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome benefits.


7. No one is ever going to ask you...who the Poet Laureate of the U.S.A. is.
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8. Life is sent free to you...you just pay shipping and handling charges.

9. If you want to improve morale at the office...take the video camera off the water cooler.
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10. Great oaks from little acorns grow...you expected artichokes ?
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"Happiness is not something you experience, 
it's something you remember."
OSCAR LEVANT
"Early to rise and early to bed, makes a male
 healthy, wealthy and dead."
JAMES THURBER
"Life is far too important to talk 
seriously about."
OSCAR WILDE
"Virtue has never been as respectable as money."
MARK TWAIN

HOW TO ACT AROUND BRITISH ROYALTY (If you ever get the chance!)
By Sturdley S. Studebaker, Esq., Roving Culture Correspondent.
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1. Wait for them to extend their hand before you shake it. Do not attempt any special or secret lodge or fraternity handshakes.
2.Do not try to do a British accent or mention teeth.
3. Do not under any circumstances attempt to hug, kiss, or touch the person of royalty, even if you are an illegitimate child of the person.
4. Address them as "Your Royal Highness" and not as Margaret, Prince Phil, Eddie or Jack, Annie, or any familiarity, even if you have married into the family.
5. Never ask how things are going at the castle or if Prince Philip has had prostate trouble recently.
6. Ladies, do not attempt to curtsy if you have no previous instruction in how to do it without looking like a total idiot. Men, a simple nod of the head is sufficient and no snapping to attention and clicking of heels.
7. Remember that Royals are just people like you and put on their pants one leg at the time with the help of a household staff of 100 or so servants.

Sturdley S. Studebaker, Esq. Culture Correspondent

OBSERVATIONS:
1. If it looks like a dumpster, if it smells like a dumpster, and if it acts like dumpster... chances are it's a dumpster.
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2. "Excuse me, but what level of Hell am I on now?"
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3. Nobody knows the truffles I've seen.
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4. Have you read "The Dummies Guide to Anal Retention?"
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5. Why don't we outsource stupidity rather than jobs?
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6. Writing is one good way to get even.
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Hedley's Men Store and Haberdashery announce the arrival of the latest shipment of the sought-after Harlow Hedley All-Weather Fedora.  Be prepared for the worst weather and hottest summer sun with this marvelous invention. Only a very few are available now and more  have been ordered, but hurry they're going fast. The sturdy mechanism is rust-proof and easy to operate. Several colors are available.
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"Oh, Romeo! Oh, Romeo!... You got the job!"


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OVERHEARD...
1. "I'm not thinking...I'm reloading!"
2. "My texting vocabulary exceeds my English vocabulary."
3. I need a pit stop...any pits around here?"
4. "Don't laugh...this is my status symbol."
5. " I tweet...I text...I app...I'm all thumbs now!"

Come in for a chauffeured test-drive today...
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"What work I have done I have done it because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it."
MARK TWAIN



"Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
MARK TWAIN
Copyright HTStone2010



4 comments:

Fran said...

Your lists of quotes make me smile every time.

TALON said...

8. Life is sent free to you...you just pay shipping and handling charges. -- how true this is!

Unfortunately, I know lots of those "all thumbs" types! lol!

nothingprofound said...

Such a wealth of wit here, Count, as usual. Hadn't read that Twain quote before, but I can certainly identify with it. When I started Out Of Context, that's what I had in mind. I love #3. Although it's meant as a joke, I feel that's how life really is. We've got all the keys, we just can't find the car.

I don't know if you ever read your comments, but I'd love for you to visit my profile, and click on Start Following, so I can send you the occasional shout. And I just posted a new set of aphorisms at Out Of Context if you're interested. Hope you and you wife are feeling well.

human being said...

had a great time reading these mind products...
:)
that one about happiness... is a bit intriguing for me right now... as all the things i remember make me sad... even the happy events!