Wednesday, August 18, 2010

No.16

"Never forget to kiss the hand that feeds you, my dear."

1. Don't drink and drive...if you must, appoint a designated drinker.
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2. You will never be completely happy until ... your shoes are properly fitted and comfortable.
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3. Tell the truth...before someone beats you to it.
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4. Ignorance is not an excuse...it justs make you feel better.
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5. Thou shalt not covet...unless thou intendeth to buy one for thyself.
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6. Where else did you think you were going...in a handbasket?
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7. A good education does not mean you stop learning...it means you have to get a job and pay for it.
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8. Any committee that discovers the obvious...hasn't done its job.
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9. In any political campaign the most dangerous position...is to be between the candidate and the camera.
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10. If you think the food you've been served isn't fit for a dog...tell the waiter and he will bring you some dog food.
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Quote of the week,"Imagination and fiction make up three-quarters of our lives." Simone Weil





COTTAGE FOR SALE. Offered by Hedley Realty and Mortgage Co. this charmer is ready to move into.  As Harmon Harley Hedley, President, said, "We get many a cottage for sale on Lake Lachrymose since they drained the lake, but, we are really excited about this little gem."  See Victoria Tingle, Real Estate Agent... or Hurlow B. Bodine, Jr. Associate.


Sometimes the best- laid plans of man , beast, and headline writers do not pan out. Over in Silo City last month the Bodine County Herald ran the following headline on its weekly edition:
FARMER HAS CALF BORN WITH TWO HEADS!
Well , obviously this caused farmer Hedley Hammerstand a lot of good-natured ribbing from the boys downtown, and, after he fired off an indignant letter to the Herald, next week, it ran this corrected headline:
CALF BORN TO FARMER WITH TWO HEADS!
Alas, for the poor Herald editor, he called Hedley and profusely apologized for his oversight on the headline and did acknowledge that Tuglow Birdley was now an ex-headline writer with the Herald. He assured Hedley, who was now the laughingstock (no pun intended)
of the whole of Bodine County that the correct headline along with an apology and explanation would appear in next week's edition.  Everyone waited to see the edition.
Here's the headline as it appeared:
CALF WITH TWO HEADS BORN TO LOCAL FARMER!
The following week the Bodine County Herald was closed and is planning on re-opening as the Bodine County TV GUIDE.


Quote of the day: "Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a "pirate."  You do it with a whole fleet of ships and are called "Emperor!"  St. Augustine
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Definition of the Week: KAKISTOCRACY: Government by its worst citizens.
(sometimes referred to as politicians.)
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Question of the Week: What does a watched pot do?  Answer:It wastes your time!
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Factoid of the Week: Humans are 71% water...the other 29% is caffeine.
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Oscar Wilde: "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."
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Simple Things You Can Do to Save the Planet: Never buy a bobble-head doll of anyone.

 
Copyright 2010 HTStone.

5 comments:

TALON said...

Oh my! I laughed out loud at number 6! Made the dogs jummp (the cats just gave me dirty looks)!

Loved the quote of the week, Count Sneaky! I'm thinking mine is probably even more - lol!

Tony Single said...

Kiss the hand that feeds you... I'm taking notes, Count. Don't want to anger my better half!

Number 6 made me laugh out loud too. Fortunately, no cats and dogs were harmed by my sudden outburst. Perhaps a sparrow...

And I dread to think what the other 29% of me is composed of. I don't drink coffee...

惠邱邱邱邱雯 said...

困難的不在於新概念,而在於逃避舊有的概念。......................................................................

klahanie said...

I thank you for sharing yet another fascinating list. Number 10 made me suddenly think about the fact we sometimes ask for a 'doggy bag'.
I believe that I might just be up to about 30% caffeine. My eyes are more wide open than normal and I have this great urge to talk very, very quickly.
Have a peaceful weekend. Kind wishes, Gary.

惠NorrisBradwell041花 said...

看到大家都留言-我也忍不住說聲---加油..................................................