Thursday, October 7, 2010

No. 24


I write in order to achieve that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.

H. L. Mencken
1. If you're all out of cannon doesn't matter how much  powder you have.
2. Give yourself credit for knowing what you have done...not for knowing what you should have done.              
3. Why lead an empty life when you can just as full of it.
4. There will always be far, far more that you know that isn't so ...than you know. 
5.  He who is learned is not wise...just the owner of 
a very large student loan.
6. If you want to improve your lot in life...put a nice home on it.

7.  Don't beef too much'll find yourself in a stew.
8.  If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one to hear what?
9.  Ah! Ignorance... Nothing makes life less stressful or more pleasing.

10.  It is better to be able to spell hemmorrrhods
hemoaroids hemorrhoids...than to have them.

A Few Questions of Import...
1. Why doesn't anyone remember the name of the knight 
who slew the last dragon...or the dragon's name?                                                                                                                                  
2. How drunk do skunks really get on a DUI scale?                                             
3. Do football supporters wear fan belts to hold up their pants?
4. What would be a "bad hair day" at a wig factory?
5. What were curbfeelers?
So many questions, so few answers.


Sturdley Shinglehammer, the world's worst living poet submitted these two hairballs for publication at the request of his accountant.


Sally, Sally,lovely as can be,
How could you do this to me?
We both walked down the aisle.
You turned and said with a smile,
"You know, I think instead,
I'll marry Rutherford B. Hayes."


In a small corner of Perdition,
A demon worked with ambition.

And his time finally came,
And forever insured his fame.

When the demon driven,
Was rewarded and given:

Eight, fat, unrepentant deacons,
And the Last of the Mohicans.


Chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit.
HENRY ADAMS, "The Education of  Henry Adams"

"The phases of the womanly nature are infinite in their variety. 
Take any type of woman, and you will find in it something to respect,
something to admire, something to love." 


Kids, here's a new game !  All that's needed is a box of  Kellog's Raisin Bran or any other label raisin bran, actually ...and mommy or daddy's watch.
Only one contestant may play at a time while one acts as the Official Timekeeper.  Here's how you play. Dump the entire box of raisin bran in front of the first contestant.  The Official Timekeeper takes over and start timing with "GO!"  The contestant has to then separate the raisins and the bran flakes into two piles as quickly as possible. The winner , of course, is the one who can do this in the shortest time. It is best to play this game when you know your parents are going to be out for a while. You will also need a big hungry dog outside the door to let in and scarf up the flakes and raisins on the floor. Mommy will be happy to see we are having a nutritious snack of bran instead of those bad- for- you delicious brown crackers with the creamy centers which you have been hiding in your room and will use as a prize for the winner of the Raisin Bran Count Match.  I would suggest at least three cookies for the winner. This is a great game for those rainy days when you can't take another inane episode of Dora the Explorer.   Enjoy!

Copyright H.T. Stone 2010


klahanie said...

Excellent! Now then, does being drunk as a skunk make you sick as a parrot. I'm getting pig sick just thinking about it:-)
Have a peaceful and positive weekend.
With respect, Gary.

nothingprofound said...

A great batch, Count! Numbers 1,2,4,8,9,10 are my favorites, with 8 topping the list. I have a similar one: "The tree falling in the forest doesn't care if it makes a sound."

TALON said...

No. 4 is great!

Thank you, Sturdley Shinglehammer's accountant for the poetic request. Enjoyed tremendously! And Sally needs to stick to her commitments!