Thursday, May 20, 2010

Generic Maxim's No. 4

1. The only things at a flea market that haven't been used are the books.
2. Conquer your personal demons...they could be useful later on.

3. Live for what matters...getting stuff!
4. Help others with what you have learned in life... but charge them for the book and CD.

5. Open the front door when opportunity knocks...but make sure the screen door is locked.
6. Go the extra need to burn the calories.

7. Put the last things first...that makes them easier.
8. Save lives...don't let anyone see you naked and die laughing.

9. Someday you'll look back on your life and ask...where did I leave my keys?
10. Don't judge yourself by your salary or waist size.

I am reminded that no lesser mind than Thomas B. Macauley remarked that, "Nothing is so useless as a general maxim."  The great literary light has revealed a truth to all of us, and I would be one of the first to concur with the statement. I have resolved that in this minor work I will never write a general maxim; foolish or nonsense maxims I may pen, but general ones never...never, I say, sir or madam. I would rather write the greatest balderdash than to write that bane of all journalists...generalization!  Maxims should be written to inform, to educate, to entertain, to pass an idle hour, completely absorbed in the greatest nonsense since one's first infatuation. Words to soothe the savage breast;  soften the civilized veneer; and liposuction, augment, tighten lift and tuck the mind. As my friend and barber, Sturdley Axehandle, said to me, "Count, stop annoying me with your maxims and listen to my problems!" I told him that he needed to maximize his mojo. Warning: Do not try writing maxims at home. Leave this to a professional or at least to a semi-professional.


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Anonymous said...

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TALON said...

Count Sneaky, no. 2 had me laughing out loud. That's a good plan :)

human being said...

soooooo glad i decided to visit you today, Count... i got a real boost in spirits reading these... so hilarious and at the same time so wise...

they say you can teach best when you can make others laugh...

some of them just made me laugh loud...
thank god i was not reading them while driving!

my favorite is no. 2... it is in fact my number one motto in life!

i know Marty and love his great works...

nothingprofound said...

I have a lot of catching up to do. You're churning these out at breakneck pace. Deliciously cynical and amusing as ever.

"Someday you'll look back on your life and ask...where did I leave my keys?" Count-that day has arrived.