Thursday, March 17, 2011

No. 44

"In our civilization, men are afraid that they will not be men enough and women 
are afraid that they might be considered only women."
THEODOR REIK
***
1. Confucious say journey of a thousand miles... start with cash advance.
***
2. Life has a way of showing you... you're not the only hamburger on the grill.
3. If you wish to be a communicator...learn to be a listener first.
***
4. No two people are exactly alike...but they're close enough for political campaigns.
***
5.The tortoise can beat the hare everytime...using GPS.
6. The wages of sin... are not subject to with-holding taxes.
***
7. Reality check: It took three million dollars to build the original Titanic...
but it took one hundred million dollars to make the movie.
8. I'm a good person trying to do my best... Stop the world! We've found another one.
***
9. If you're the only one in the room who sees the 800lb. gorilla in the room...get the heck outta there!

10.Things you should never try...like frying bacon topless.
***


1. Your dreams will bring you a 
business venture that will
take your last thin dime.

2. You have a knack for solving
everyone's problems...but
your own miserable ones.

3. You will soon bring joy
 to someone near you...
your local tax collector.

4. You will soon meet a tall,
 dark, handsome man...
who will arrest you.

5. You will soon be going 
on a cruise...on the S.S.
FLU VIRUS.

6. You will meet a beautiful,
young woman... who will
drain your bank account.

7. Prepare to have your talents
recognized...your WANTED
posters are in the post office.

8. You will learn your ancestors
came here on the Mayflower...
in the Mayflower's brig.


QUOTES OF THE WEEK...
" I believe I have found the missing link between 
animal and civilized man. It's us.
KONRAD LORENZ
***
"Support bacteria. They're the only culture
some people have."
LARRY THE CABLE GUY
***
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend
toward more freedom and democracy.
But that could change."
DAN QUAYLE
***
" ACKNOWLEDGE: To confess. 
Acknowledgement of another's faults is the
highest duty by our love of truth."
AMBROSE BIERCE
***
Victoria Tingle, our roving correspondent for jackwagon politics,
writes from Sturdley City that City Hall has a problem on its hands.
It seems that the city has outgrown its dump, or to use the proper civic
euphemism, its "landfill." As Mayor Diane Dither said, " It takes a heap 
of living to make a dump into a landfill."  Accordingly, the mayor and town 
council has decided to raise the money to enlarge the acreage and to expand
 the landfill by selling cookies and pies at city hall, and by selling new, plastic
 garbage cans with the owner's name hand-painted on  it in beautiful script.
Vicky writes that she bought some "Dump Cookies" and "Landfill Pies"
and they were quite adequate. She was presented by Mayor Dither with 
her own beautiful new garbage can emblazoned with her name and given
a new plastic key to the progressive town of Sturdley City.  
***
***

Writers remember! You can write from your own experience....
or lack of it. My best.
Copyright HTStone 2011


9 comments:

TALON said...

I really think you should get into the fortune cookie business - these are so much more accurate :)

Sturdley City eerily reminds me of the city I live in, Henry! lol!

Anonymous said...

...it is best to write about what we do not know about, in that way we can only get better; either that, or better get the boot...and if the boot fits, wear it.

klahanie said...

Hi Count Sneaky,
Another delightful list and I always enjoy visiting your wonderful site.
I opened up my 'ill fortune cookie' and the note inside stated, 'help! I'm being held hostage in an ill fortune cookie factory!'
May you have a peaceful and positive weekend.
Gary :)

Judie said...

Another great post, H.! I can now continue with my day!!

Count Sneaky said...

TALON. I have considered it but, imagine when people ask what you do for a living...I own an Ill Fortune Cookie Business! You mean...Yes. Life in a Fortune Cookie Factory.

ANON. I agree that it is best to write about what we know not.
That way, also, we can plead ignorance when cornered.

JUDIE. Please have a day with bells on it. Whistles too!

Judie said...

Thanks, H!! Don't forget to check my Alphabe-Thurday post. The letter this week is "X"!!!!

Anonymous said...

Classic stuff! This stuff makes me burst my breeches!

Count Sneaky said...

KLAHANIE: Thanks. I was sitting here trying to remember who wrote Life In A Fortune Cookie Factory. Was it Robert Benchley?
At any rate, I'm glad you enjoyed the output from my Ill Fortune Cookie Factory. I think they are a tad more realistic than the ones I usually get at my favorite Chinese restaurant, The Moo Goo Gai Pan. More to come.

Count Sneaky said...

ANONYMOUS: I hate to be so hard on your wardrobe, but come back often. Thanks.