Friday, June 24, 2011

No.58

"When a love relationship is at its height there is no room
left for any interest in the environment; a pair of lovers
are sufficient to themselves."
SIGMUND FREUD

1.  Resist the urge to steal...time from a friend
***
2. All that is usually required... is mild enthusiasm.

 3. Civility is cheap at...half the price.
***
4. If you are a mountain climber...why are
you wasting your time on mole hills.
***
5. I believe in lost causes like...losing an argument with my wife.
***
6. A bad hair day in a wig factory...is a really
bad day.
***
7.  Of course you don't need a nose job...it still
works doesn't it?
***
8.  One must have enough pessimism...to
recognize a brick wall before running
head first into it.
9.  Left to himself a saint... will be left to himself.
***
10. You've lost it if you have forgotten...where
you put your memorabilia.
***
I drive a 1950 Hudson; I pay my bills;
 I live no frills; still I can't get
ahead; my ink runneth red; my belt I 
can no longer tighten; my burden I can 
no longer tighten;  Lord, before I get all dottery; 
let me win the lottery!
HEDLEY VON BODINE, III

FARE RELIEF...
Local airport official's work was finally rewarded 
when a low-cost carrier, Sky Blue Airlines, agreed
to operate out of Hedley International Airport.
It flies a new V6 Sturdley Bullfinch 104, which 
carries one passenger who must wear goggles and
 a long white scarf. Two flights a day are envisioned.
***
NEWS RELEASE: The 86th National Convention of Dental Floss Engineers met last week in Silo City. They announced
today that they have awarded their Annual "Flossie" Award to
Ronald B. Fungus, CEO of Hedley Manufacturing Inc. for his
life-long contributions to flossing. His contribution of fine food, hors d'oeuvres, and entertainment by a nationally known singer, Gordon Grabwell, as well as the Speaker, Buck
"Gonzo" Tuglow who wowed the convention with his "History
of Flossing" speech, were major contributions to the success
of the convention.
***
Over in Badger City, Harlow Bodine, Jr. stopped to smell the roses and was hit by an eighteen-wheeler. He is expected
to recover and return to work in a couple of weeks.
***
THE WORST OF 
STURDLEY SHINGLEHAMMER
The World's Worst Living Poet.

MELLOW MOBSTER

There was a mobster named Mel,
Who delighted in Zinfadel.
Always too drunk to do evil,
He was declared too medievial,
To use recruiting personnel.
***
BOOK JUDGE

I judged a book by its cover.
And read enough to discover,
That I should have taken a look,
And judged the cover by its book.
***
CHANNELING

Sometimes, I think, alas,
I'm channeling Ogden Nash.
But, I'm a courser instrument,
Than his refined temperament.
***
QUICK. MEIN LEDERHOSEN!

Ein, zwei, drei, oompah, boom!
I can out-polka anyone in the room.
When I hear a tuba, I go bonkers,
Whether I'm in Munich or Yonkers.
I raise a stein and hit the floor.
 Get up Gertie, swing your pinafore!
***
YORK DORK
There was a young man from York,
Who was thought of as a dork,
Until he became a winner,
When, during a boring dinner,
He discovered the quark.
***
TATTOO IN MANITOU

There was a girl named Sue,
Who went to get a tattoo,
When she ran out,
She said with a shout,
"He had designs on me!"
***
KITTY QUESTION
The kitten said to the cat'
"Why is this one lower than that?"
Cat said, "That's your brother Tat's"
"He is large, heavy and fat!"
"Oh, I see. That's the tit for tat!
***
A THING OR TWO
A young lady named Irma,
Looked down and began to murmur,
"I don't have a thing .
To show this spring.
I might as well be in Burma.
***

***

The award above was awarded to me for being me.
It is my very own award, soon to be coveted; or ignored; or despised. It will be awarded(?) from time to time to anyone I deem worthy  for reasons of my own. There are no requirements whatsoever.
CopyrightHTStone2011

NOTE: You are not allowed to leave this blog without a smile, a laugh or feeling better about your life.






6 comments:

Hazelmarie Elliott (Mattie) said...

I never leave your blog without a smile! It takes a lot of work and talent to be amusing, witty, and delightfully charming at the same time. You've a fine, entertaining blog...

While reading the poems, it brought to mind the words of Robert Burton who said, 'All poets are mad.' Maybe so... :)

Great visiting you,
M.

Paul said...

A dosage of pessimism can prevent many disasters....

THE SNEE said...

I love dropping in here. I always end up grinning. So what does it say about me if I like the world's worst living poet? I'm also the type that might run into a brick wall after taking note of it. Should I be worried?

nothingprofound said...

Count-what a wonderful buffet you constantly offer of wry wisdom, wit and humor. In my humble opinion, Mr. Shinglehammer has been grossly underrated, at least in the limerick department. 1, 4, 8 &9 are my favorites this go around. Hope both you and your wife are well.

Marty

Count Sneaky said...

MATTIE: I blush at such praise. Thank you, and as the Cheshire Cat said to Alice, "We're all mad here."
PAUL: Right! Even very big ones...particularly political ones.
SNEE: Sturdley is grateful for whatever praise he can get. As far as brick walls are concerned, a little pessimism makes the caution go down. Don't identify them by running into them head first. Yes, I would be worried if I had to identify them by this method.
My best

Count Sneaky said...

NOTHINGPROFOUND: Aw, Marty! Between you and Mattie I have gone around blushing all day. Such praise is unwarranted, but I appreciate it, profoundly. I do. I do. Sturdley is underrated... in his ability to spell. Helen and I are doing pretty well just now, or at least we have lowered the amount of time we spend in doctor's offices to tolerable limits. My best